The PS Vita edition of breast simulator game Senran Kagura has become an instant hit, selling out in stores everywhere immediately after hitting store shelves.

However, the question stands: With these virtual boobs in the hands of so many, how can we be sure they’re getting an authentic experience?

The RocketNews24 Institute of Cybermamography–headed by the one and only Mr. Sato–has conducted extensive research on the matter and herein submits our paper for peer evaluation.

A Comparison of the Virtual Boobies Engineered by Senran Kagura with a Pair of Real Human Breasts
RocketNews24 Institute of Cybermamography: Kuzo Phd., Mr. Sato Esq.

Abstract

In the video game Senran Kagura, an array of pretty virtual women endowed with large bosoms are presented. Within the game players are able to manipulate said hooters in a variety of ways including jiggling, pinching, poking, and swaying.

However, are the physics of these breasts the same as a pair of real ones? Or, are the game makers simply relying on the fact that anyone buying this game probably has never experienced real breasts before and would never know the difference?

By employing a real, amply chested woman, we determined that the game has achieved near perfect results.

Method

The RocketNews24 staff held a meeting to discuss the realism of Senran Kagura’s fun-time-happy-pillows. Then it came to light that none of the men on the team have actually seen or touched real breasts before – probably because we use words like “fun-time-happy-pillows.”

So we would have to acquire raw data with a real human female.

Chief Researcher Sato had convinced a test subject to participate by telling her that he got an inoperable brain tumor just after penning the screenplay for “that movie about the funeral people who won an Oscar a couple of years ago.”

Results

-       Vertical Jiggle Test: Success!

Recreating the level where you can jiggle a girl wearing a uniform, our test subject simulated the simulator by jumping up and down rapidly. Indeed! Both the boobs of the game and the boobs of the girl were oscillating at the same frequency.

However, in the game, after successful jiggling of the tatas, the girl’s clothing is magically removed.

-       Magical Removal of Clothes: Success!

Sure enough, our test subject was suddenly clad in swimwear.  This allowed our researchers to make a more detailed comparison of the two.

After a grueling observation period, the scientists made a disturbing discovery.

-       Yaw Angle: Unrealistic!

Unfortunately the Senran Kagura game failed to meet real world conditions with the amount of play they gave the breasts around the z-axis. They were simply moving much too freely, most likely as a combination of poor gravity and inertia calculations.

The real woman’s boobs had moved and shook up and down, up and down, up…

What? Um…

Sorry, they pretty much moved with the same fluidity and resistance as real breasts, but real boobs don’t quite move as laterally as they do in the game.

Conclusion

We find the boobs in Senran Kagura to be a near-perfect match (within three sigma) to real ones.

However, we believe that the yaw error was intentionally inserted by the game developers for protection of the human race. If the breasts had been 100 percent accurate, men all over would have confined themselves to their homes thus sending the economy and birth rates to new depths.

However, more research is needed to confirm these results. If any women would be so kind as to donate their bodies to science please contact Dr. Kuzo or Chief Researcher Sato at the Institute of Cybermamography. They will be waiting by their phones day and night.

Models: Erina Kamiya (Steam Girls) and Mr. Sato
Senran Kagura: Official Site (Japanese)
Original Article by Mr. Sato and Kuzo

▼ “The girl on the screen is touchable.”

▼ “Just touch the screen…”

▼ …and slide you finger down to tug on the breast.

▼ “Release your finger and the boob springs right back into place” with no criminal charges.

▼ Hey! Erina-chan stopped by to help verify the physics of this game!

▼ …by jumping…

▼ …like that…

▼ Erina: How’d I do?

▼ Chief Researcher Sato: “Do you think this is a joke? This is serious research.”

▼ “Super-duper serious…got it?”

▼ “Okay… Okay… Just…”

▼ “…a little more…”

▼ “That looks about right. Now are yours the same?”

▼ “Commence testing!”

▼ “…”

▼ “Fascinating! It’s an exact match. The mechanics are the same.”

▼Success! Senran Kagura matches up to the genuine article!

▼ Yup… matches… up

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• We Take Boob-Heavy PS Vita Game to “Boobs Ramen” for Major Boobage
• Why Aren’t Breasts Photographed from Below More Often? We Attempt to Unlock Their Mysteries
• Cleavage-Inspired Ice Cream Offered at Akihabara Cafe to Celebrate Upcoming Release of Senran Kagura Sequel
• This “Enormous Breast Hyper T-Shirt” Will Probably Get You Arrested for Indecent Exposure
• This Video Game Character Has Ridiculously Huge…Claws 【Video】

Origin: We Compare Senran Kagura’s Virtual Breasts with Real Ones… You Know, for Science and Stuff
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

We’ve never been ones to shy away from fast food challenges, and today is no exception. Today may well be Friday to the rest of you, but for the RocketNews24 team, and especially our champion eating machine Mr. Sato, today was and will forever remain the day that we took on the challenge of the 100 slice onion tower.

From the people who brought you the 1,000 cheese slice whopper and the 1,050 rasher bacon burger, we proudly present: The Onion Tower Challenge.

Just like in the west, Burger King in Japan is always happy to prepare burgers exactly as the customer wants it, adding and taking away whatever ingredients he or she desires. Starting today, however, Burger King Japan launched its “Bakudan Oniteri“, or “onion bomb”, campaign. Featuring a burger with five chunky slices of grilled onion drizzled with sweet and sticky teriyaki sauce, the Bakuoni burger should be more than enough for any man. Mr. Sato, however, is not just “any man.”

• In the Red Corner:

Mr. Sato

Worthy opponent in the 1,000 slice cheeseburger challenge, the 1,050 bacon rasher melee, and the current staff record holder for speed eating at Go! Go! Curry. He’s here, he’s ready, and you’d better believe he’s hungry.

• In the Blue Corner

This monstrosity

The Burger King Bakuoni, a traditional flame-grilled Burger King burger, topped off with five thick slices of grilled onion and slathered with teriyaki sauce, amounting to 935 kilocalories of pure hamburger goodness. To this, we added an additional 95 slices of onion to make a nice, round number and give our man a challenge worthy of him. With each slice clocking in at 18.5 kilocalories, would-be champions must work their way through a grand total of 2,692.5 kilocalories in just one burger. But when it’s mostly vegetables, it’s all perfectly healthy, right!?

With Mr. Sato warmed up and ready to roll, we prepared our cameras and settled in with our laptops, ready to document the event. This wasn’t going to be pretty, but we were prepared to stick by our man until the bitter end. Here’s how it went down.

- Catch me if you can!

Mr. Sato eyed the gargantuan package set before him. With the outer wrapped removed, the air in the office was immediately filled with the sweet, sickly aroma of grilled onions, and just the slightest hint of beef and teriyaki sauce. The kind Burger King staff took extra care to reinforce the tower in an additional layer of plastic to ensure that the burger kept its shape during transit, which, unbelievably, it did. The wrapper was, however, absolutely dripping with moisture thanks to the sheer amount of steaming hot onion inside.

Two words of warning to anyone who’s considering taking on this challenge at home: 1. Don’t. 2. These things get slippery!

This thing would evidently have to be handled like a ticking bomb, but the additional moisture didn’t make getting into it any easier. With the help of a cutter and some scissors, Mr. Sato slowly, carefully, started to peel back the inner wrapper and reveal its contents.

- Sweet, sweet onion

Not wanting to waste another second, our man broke into the enormous stack and in the blink of an eye he was gone, lost in a world of calories, carbs and chunky, tangy onion. The thick rinds of glistening white onion entwined with the sweetness of the accompanying teriyaki sauce unbelievably well, soaking up every drop of it. Grilled to perfection, the outsides of the onions were ever so slightly charred while the insides were left firm but succulent, making every bite a crunchy, if slightly moist affair.

Despite the fact that he was essentially just eating entire fistfuls of onion and little else, Mr. Sato ate undeterred. Stopping only occasionally to add a little extra teriyaki sauce to help it all slide down easier, he devoured pound after pound of onion. Clearly he’d been practicing.

- An onion too far. But this is not the end

Despite his promising start, our reporter started to slow around half way through his Onion Tower Challenge. Minutes later, with two thirds of the tower demolished, Mr. Sato shook his head and called it. “It’s still fine to eat,” he assured us, “but I’m just so sick of the taste.”

We have to admit, at that moment we felt a slight pang of sadness. It was like seeing Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid slip and put his back out while teaching us how to do a roundhouse kick. What had happened to our unconquerable eating machine? Was this the first sign of his retirement from the world of fast food gluttony?

Fortunately, Mr. Sato still had something left in the tank. True to his word that it wasn’t the amount that lay before him so much as the sheer monotony of consuming the same mouthful over and over, our man grabbed a saucepan and a portable stove. Throwing the onions in and adding a little water, he softened them up just enough to go perfectly with a nice big gyudon beef bowl.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Mr. Sato, you, sir, are a machine.

If any of you happen to see this man tomorrow, we recommend keeping him at a distance of at least 10 feet. All that onion is going to take a while to get through his system.

We’ll leave you now with a video we shot of the entire onion adventure. We hope you’ve already eaten because this isn’t especially pretty.

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• This is What a Whopper With 1000 Slices of Cheese Looks Like
• We Order Whopper With 1050 Bacon Strips, Struggle to Level Comically Huge Burger
• RocketNews24 Staff Compete in “Go! Go! Curry” Speed-Eating Contest, Fail to Make Top 5 Despite Throat-Scorching Speed
• Burger King Japan Offering 15 Bacon Strips for $1 So We Order Whopper With 105 Bacon Strips

Origin: The Onion Tower is Here! Mr. Sato Takes on 100 Slices of Grilled Onion in one Monster Burger
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

As we reported recently, popular curry chain Go! Go! Curry is currently holding a speed eating event, where the person who can cram two servings of their regular house curry down their gullet in the shortest amount of time will be crowned in eternal glory. Last time, our ravenous reporter Mr. Sato schooled his young protege Tashiro-kun in the art of inhaling food, but, not satisfied with this small victory, he decided to come back, this time with the whole Japanese staff in tow for a championship match.

Until the 15th, all Go! Go! Curry outlets are holding qualifiers, with the fastest five from each store going to the “Asian Series” to compete for a grand prize trip to New York, assuming the winner can fit on a plane.

The rules are simple:

1. You must finish two orders of the house curry.
2. In order to prevent burns, you must allow the curry to sit for at least 10 minutes before eating.
3. You must shout “Go! Go! Curry!” upon finishing.
4. You may drink up to three glasses of water.

Thank goodness for that waiting period, or we’d have ended up in the hospital. With the help of those three glasses of water, the team managed to clean their plates in the space of a few minutes. And here are the results of the Great Curry Carnage of ’13:

1st Kuzo (1:14)
2nd Mr. Sato (2:02)
3rd Go (2:42)
4th Tashiro-kun (4:44)
5th Ms. Kikuchi (4:50)
6th Ms. Megumi (5:40)

What’s this? Kuzo has handily beaten the crowd-favorite, Mr. Sato, by almost 50 seconds! And yet, with that unbelievably speedy repast, he clocked in at 6th place for the store, missing the chance to show off his chops at the Asian Series. The top five eaters all managed to gobble up their curries in less than a minute. Maybe next time…

Speaking of which, in case you are interested in taking the Go! Go! Curry Challenge for yourself or are just in a real rush at lunchtime, here are some tips for speedy eating.

1. Get the plate right up to your mouth to shovel in the food.
2. Keep lubricated. A pace of one sip of water for every two bites of curry works well to get the rice down smoothly.
3. Chew as little as possible.
4. Definitely do not pack too much curry into one swallow!

You might think that drinking water is a waste because it will fill you up, and if this were a traditional eating contest where you have to eat as much as possible, that would be true. But in trying to eat as quickly as possible, water is key. It order to flush your throat, it’s essential, really.

Of course, there are those that ignore this advice about water and just go gangbusters on their curry. To each his own, I suppose. In any event, if you do visit Go! Go! Curry, keep in mind that you can only enter the contest twice. Once to try it out and one to register an official time. Good luck, gluttons!

Patience, Mr. Sato, patience.

Tashiro-kun gets ready for his second attempt.

Go goes crazy for Go! Go! Curry.

Who said this was a boys’ club? Ms. Kikuchi and Ms. Megumi can hang with the baddest of them.

And RocketNews24′s new champion, Kuzo, prepared to do battle.

Related Stories

• Mr. Sato Schools Fellow Reporter at “Go! Go! Curry” Speed Eating Contest
• Mr. Sato Takes on the “Mammoth 2kg Fried Chicken Curry”
• The Onion Tower is Here! Mr. Sato Takes on 100 Slices of Grilled Onion in one Monster Burger
• Five Reasons Why We Love Mr. Sato
• Curry Udon Topped With Whipped Cream!? It’s Better than You Think!

Origin: RocketNews24 Staff Compete in “Go! Go! Curry” Speed-Eating Contest, Fail to Make Top 5 Despite Throat-Scorching Speed
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Not too long ago, Mr. Sato was thumbing through a magazine when he came across an ad for something. On the page he could see a man sitting in a bath tub filled with cash.  “Boy, he sure looks happy” Mr. Sato thought as he put down the magazine.

That image lingered in the back of his mind until the announcement of Loto 7’s biggest jackpot ever, 800 million yen (US$8.5M). Then it dawned on him. He could win the grand prize and realize his new dream of bathing in money.

“Winning the jackpot once should be no problem,” he thought to himself “but it’d be a little harder to win twice if I need that much to fill a tub.”

He had to be sure that 800 million yen was enough before he’d be foolish enough to play the lottery.

■ The Experiment

The tickets don’t go on sale until 1 April and the draw isn’t until the following Friday so Mr. Sato had some time to spare. He crafted 800 million yen worth of fake 10,000 yen notes which are currently the largest denomination available in Japan.

He then stacked them together in his bathroom. The amount was a lot smaller than he expected. In fact, it didn’t look like it was enough even to fill the tiny bath tub of his “quaint” apartment.

■ Phase 1: 400 Million Yen

He decided to start with half of the dummy cash totaling 400 million fake yen (fake $4.2M). After tossing in the yellow papers, he sighed and put his hands on his hips.

It wasn’t even enough to fill half of the tub.  When he was conceiving this 40,000 bills seemed like a lot of Mr. Sato and yet looking at this pathetic scattering of so-called riches he was stung with disappointment.

■ Phase 2: 800 Million Yen

Going ahead with the experiment, Mr. Sato threw in the remaining half of the simulated money. To his surprise the tub filled up perfectly.  It was about the same water level he’d have used on a normal day.

So it was settled, he only need to win the lottery once to achieve his dream of a cold hard cash bath. He was determined to get a ticket.

“But first,” he thought, “why don’t I see what it’s like using the paper since I have it here.”

He stripped down and climbed into the cash bath carefully to avoid paper cuts to sensitive areas. The feeling was fantastic. Satisfied with the results of his experiment and the prospects of taking a real bath of money Mr. Sato felt like he just polished of a beef bowl and a beer from the convenience store.

He began to drift away dreaming of what he would do with the money. Reality, too, began to drift away from Mr. Sato.

He was last spotted running shirtless through Kabukicho cluching fistfuls of blank yellow paper.

Loto 7: 800 Million Jackpot (Japanese)
Photos: RocketNews24

▼ Mr. Sato hugging his imaginary 800 mil

▼ He’s gone mad with wealth.

▼ Our little man’s so excited to take his first bath, isn’t he?

▼ The first 400 million.

▼ It tingles!

▼ The full 800 mil!

▼ “I’m filthy rich yet clean! Things are gonna be different from now on!“

▼ “I’m gonna get that two-bedroom apartment across the hall…”

▼ “The lady at the convenience store’ll have to pay attention to me now!”

▼ “I’m freakin’ Brad Clooney Gates up in here!!!”

▼ “HAHAHAHAHAHA…. haaaaah..ha… Let’s see. What else could I do?”

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• We Take Mr. Sato for a Shampoo and Trim at the Pet Salon 【Thrifty Style】
• “Heavy Metal Idols” Perform for Audience of One Lucky Yahoo Auction Winner, Not a Dry Eye in the House
• Mr. Sato Goes Glam, Like Some Cat from Japan
• Scenes from the Trains of Japan: Pigeons, Gas Masks, and Sleeping, Oh the Sleeping
• Mr. Sato Takes on the “Mammoth 2kg Fried Chicken Curry”

Origin: Is 800 Million Yen Really Enough to Take a Bath In?
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

That’s right, kids, we’ve hit the big leagues. And it’s all thanks to you. Sure, we began in a tiny one-room office in Shinjuku, bickering with each other about elbow space, missing pencils and who had been using the communal coffee without putting a five yen coin in the jar beside it, but thanks to our wonderful readers and the attention of the Internet masses in general, we’re now a fully fledged news beast stationed in a swanky high-rise where we rub shoulders with some of Japan’s greatest innovators and creative geniuses.

To mark the occasion, we’ve just put the finishing touches to our new commercial, featuring none other than reporter extraordinaire Mr. Sato, and a tremendously catchy jingle. The full video — plus a special bonus version — after the jump!

Okay, so I may have been employing a little artistic licence just then and one or two tiny little fibs may have slipped in amid all the excitement (there is no jar for coffee money in the office…). But we do have a commercial! And we think you’ll agree that it really is quite wonderful.

Taking inspiration from the 2011 ad for Shoushuu Riki, a Japanese brand of deodorizer for bathrooms, we positioned our cosplay and food-loving reporter Mr. Sato in the exact same location of Lisbon, Portugal, and had him sing the Shoushuu Riki RocketNews24 jingle loud and proud.

First, the original TV commercial, just for reference:

And now our Sato-rific production. Hold on to your butts.

I know, right? Awesome. Well, except for this joker who shamelessly photobombed the heartfelt ending.

There’s always someone who has to ruin it for the rest of us, isn’t there?

We’ll leave you now with a special bonus edition of the ad. Even while working, our man knows how to take it easy.

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• Mr. Sato Gets a Turkish Makeover with “A Popular Hairstyle” of the Nation
• Mr. Sato Goes Glam, Like Some Cat from Japan
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• Making an iPhone Sleeve Gun Like in the Movies: One Man’s Story
• Tokyo Snow Cones! Mr. Sato Makes the Most of the City Snow Before it Melts

Origin: Presenting: RocketNews24′s First Ever Commercial
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Although David Bowie is known around the world, he has a special group of fans in Japan as noted by last month’s David Bowie Café to celebrate his newest album in 10 years, The Next Day.

Among these fans is our very own Mr. Sato. The lovable reporter has always looked up to David Bowie, and one day recently slammed his fist down on the table as hard as he could proclaiming; “That does it! I’ve waited too long and am going to make myself look like Ziggy Stardust once and for all!” He then ran out the office to find a beauty salon.

No one in the editorial department actually noticed him though. Someone thought they had heard a small dog barking in the distance around the same time.

Armed with a photo of Ziggy Stardust on his iPad, Mr. Sato went from salon to salon asking the impossible; “Make me look like him!”

Finally he found one willing artist after pleading “Come oooooOOOooon! We have the same bone structure!” However, she warned him that to do the hair dye and make-up cleanly it would take four hours.

Time was meaningless to Mr. Sato who clearly had too much of it so he agreed. When the transformation was complete, a starman truly sat waiting in the sky-blue make-up chair, and he knew he’d blow our minds.

▼ Before

▼ After

The Japanese edition of RocketNews24 feels he went a little past Ziggy Stardust on the glammometer and into Boy George territory.

Those of us in the English edition seem to think he nailed the Joker – not the brooding Heath Ledger Joker nor the thinly veiled insanity of Jack Nicolson’s Joker. No, this is a dead-on Cesar Romero Joker from the ultra-camp Batman TV series.

However our opinions meant nothing to him. Making love with his ego, Mr. Sato sucked up into his mind. “This isn’t funny, it’s cool! What, are you people blind?” he shouted in denial.

If you agree with him, or if you want to join the rest of us in his intervention let him know your feelings on his Twitter.

Model: Stardust Sato
Original Article & Photos: Nakano
Cesar Romero Photo: Wikipedia

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• We Take Mr. Sato for a Shampoo and Trim at the Pet Salon 【Thrifty Style】
• Mr. Sato Gets a Turkish Makeover with “A Popular Hairstyle” of the Nation
• The Transformation of the Lonely Mr. Sato: Can a New Haircut Change a Loser’s Luck in Love?
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• The Taste of Lies: Can the Taste of a Man’s Face Betray His Wickedness?

Origin: Mr. Sato Goes Glam, Like Some Cat from Japan
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Readers may recall Kanagawa based brewery Sankt Gallen from their Valentine’s Day Chocolate Beer and Chocolate Glass promotion. Well, they were back to ring in April Fools’ Day with a coffee stout made using ingredients plucked fresh from an elephant’s anus.

The beer was only available in Japan and sold out in minutes. Luckily, we were able to get our hands on some and try it out. Actually, Mr. Sato tried it out. We just watched with a bucket.

Here’s his full report.

For all You Hard Workers, This Turd’s for You
By Mr. Sato

Hey all you beer lovers out there! I want to tell you about the best beer I’ve ever had. It’s a coffee stout made with elephant droppings!

Now, I know what you must be thinking; “Coffee and beer, ewww!” But really, this beer is insanely delicious.

It’s called Un, Kono Kuro which is a pun on the Japanese word for crap (unko). The name has two meanings phonetically: “Yeah, This Is Black” or “Sh!t Black.” In English it’d be like saying “Blackish, It Is” (say that really fast a few times).

■ This Is Really Sh#t Beer!

Sankt Gallen’s Chocolate Stout probably misled a lot of people. Chocolate stout doesn’t actually contain chocolate, but it uses malt roasted in such a way as to produce a chocolaty look and aroma.

Coffee stout also is created through the malt rather than real coffee beans. However, this coffee stout actually does has coffee beans added for flavor, and not just any coffee beans.

■ These Coffee Beans Were Picked Out of Elephant Excrement

Un, Kono Kuro uses coffee beans taken from heaping piles of crap produced by the gentle giants of Thailand’s Golden Triangle Elephant Foundation. Sold for about 10,000 yen (US$104) per 35 grams as Black Ivory the beans are fed to the elephants, pass through their entire digestive system, shat out undigested and served to your doorstep.

It’s an inefficient process as 33kg or beans in the mouth yields about 1kg out the other end. That and the costs of elephant maintenance are what make Black Ivory so expensive.

■ Beer + Coffee = Oh, God!

Normal coffee stouts use darkly roasted malt that has a bitter taste and an aroma similar to roasted coffee. But the addition of real coffee works to heighten the flavor and aroma of such a stout.

I cracked open a bottle of Un, Kono Kuro to give it a try. I sniffed at the bottle’s neck and my nostrils were greeted with a faint bitter aroma, a little like roasted coffee just giving me a sense of what’s to come.

When I poured it into a glass the coffee-like aroma continued to build it was relaxing like an easy Sunday morning. After taking my first sip there was an initial bitterness that got washed over by a wave of sweetness. Following that, a mellow body rolled in and spread out through my mouth.

■ The Afterglow is Haunting

Usually people talk about aftertaste when drinking beer but with Un, Kono Kuro the word afterglow is much more appropriate.

After downing the last drop, slowly rising from my throat and mouth was that afterglow. The combination of bitter and sweet stayed fresh and lingered in my head. It was a familiar aroma that accompanied me through the entire beer.

For some time after I could still feel as if my body was saturated with that warm scent. Luckily there were two more bottles left.

■ You Can Still Buy Un, Kono Kuro On Tap!

The Sankt Gallen website sold out pretty quickly so there are probably lots of people who never got a chance to taste the beauty of Un, Kono Kuro.

However, if you live in the Tokyo area don’t worry there’s another chance! Sankt Gallen is opening up a shop on 6 and 7 April, 2013 in Yoyogi Park and they plan to sell elephant dung coffee stout on tap! I urge everyone to take advantage of this offer.

Original Article by Mr. Sato
Sankt Gallen: Un, Kono Kuro (Japanese)

▼ A set of three bottles arrived in a black box.

▼ Here’s what the labels look like.

▼ Un, Kono Kuro or Unko No Kuro?

▼ Ingredients malt, hops, and coffee. Poop isn’t on the list.

▼ Pouring into a glass.

▼ CULTURE NOTE: In case you haven’t noticed, Japanese beer drinkers really like a large head.

▼ It’s really dark, probably because of the coffee.

▼ A first drink and…

▼ This is some good shit!

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• Coffee, coffee everywhere but not a drop to drink (that’s any decent)【You, Me, And A Tanuki】
• Avoid a Valentine’s Day Disaster with Valentine’s Insurance

Origin: We Try Beer Made with Coffee from an Elephant’s Butt!
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Super-sized menus have been steadily on the rise in Japan, and one place in Akihabara, Tokyo has upped the ante further. On top of their original 1kg dish, Mammoth Curry has released a 2kg monstrosity of chicken, rice and sauce.

Fresh from the beauty salon, RocketNews 24 Curry Eating Classic runner-up Mr. Sato looks for redemption and has some advice for other 2 kilo curry challengers.

■  The Curry

According to the menu, the 2kg curry has the following contents:

Rice – 1,200g
Curry – 700g
Cheese – 60g
Fried Chicken – 10 pieces

The weight of a piece of fried chicken varies but it’s safe to say this entire dish is over 2 kilograms.

■  The Beauty

Having ordered the 2kg curry Mr. Sato received a shock when it arrived at his table. Of course it was hearty. He had expected that, but he never thought it’d be so… pretty.

Like some kind of dish from a fancy restaurant, the arrangement and presentation of this curry was very eye-catching. The rice and chicken were piled up at the rear leaving a tranquil brown lake of curry sauce in the front.

■  The Sweet Refreshment

The curry roux had a taste best described as sweet. However, it’s refreshing and not overwhelmingly sweet. There’s a subtle sourness to it which makes it almost drinkable. In fact if you poured it into a glass, Mr. Sato would probably chug it. It’s just that smooth.

■  Fried Chicken the Enemy?!

Don’t get us wrong, the fried chicken here was very soft and juicy. In this case, too, the freshness seemed to last a long time which is good since you need time to work through the whole thing. However, it’s your enemy.

Mr. Sato had initially fallen into the chicken’s trap eat pieces one after the other. Very quickly the oily piece were filling him up and slowly keeping him from his goal. A lighter meat like liver might be more suitable for this volume.

■  Momentum Alone Gets You Halfway

Assuming most challengers are adult males, you will probably get through the first kilo on momentum alone. The curry is so smooth you’ll probably be drinking down part of the rice.

■  Balance is Key

That momentum is dangerous if you let it take over the challenge. Without careful portioning, you’ll be eating too much of the sauce alone, as Mr. Sato had. By the time he got to the second half his appetite was waning fast.

After cleaning two-thirds of his plate he was contemplating giving up.

In Japan, it’s frowned upon to ask for a doggy bag, but Mr. Sato had to swallow his pride and throw in the towel. With profuse apologies to the shopkeeper he got the remaining 700g wrapped up to “take out“.

His final advice for future challengers was for them to try the 1kg dish first then gauge their curry capacity from that before leveling up to the 2kg.

Information

Mammoth Curry (Akihabara store)
3-2-11 Endo Bldg (1F), Sotokanda, Chiyoda Ward, Tokyo
Hours: 11:00 am to 10:00 pm
Holiday: None

Original Story: Mr. Sato

▼ From January, 2013, a 2kg Mammoth Fried Chicken Curry (1,600 yen/US$16)

▼ That’s 2kg!

▼ Mountains of chicken and rice snow-capped with melted cheese

▼ A sea of curry almost overflowing the dish.

▼ Here it is next to a regular 300g curry rice.

▼ The sauce is sweet but refreshing balanced with a sourness.

▼ Enter Stardust Sato!.. Looking a little like Martin Short.

▼ Bang a gong, get it on

▼ Bowie should have tried this kind of shot back in the day.

▼ After seeing the bottom of the dish, Sato’s pace slowed considerably.

▼ The spoon began to drag.

▼ Say it ain’t so…

▼ …

▼ Humiliated by the curry, Mr. Sato got the rest to go.

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• Tokyo Restaurant Serves Sheep Brain Curry, We Investigate
• These Adorable Japanese Curry Dishes are Sure to Curry Your Favor
• Lifehack for Curry Fiends: Get More for Your Yen at CoCo Ichibanya

Origin: Mr. Sato Takes on the “Mammoth 2kg Fried Chicken Curry”
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Having already spent the vast majority of RocketNews24‘s budget on trips to Turkey and Portugal or stuffing our faces with vats of curry, we felt it was time to cut back on the spending a little. We know that our star reporter Mr. Sato loves to look good and is constantly changing his hairstyle to keep up with trends, though, so we were concerned that tightening the purse strings would crush his spirit entirely. It was quite the conundrum.

Then it struck us: what if it were possible to take our style-conscious investigator somewhere a little cheaper to get him tidied up every so often? What if one of Tokyo’s own dog grooming salons would consent to giving him a quick shampoo and trim? One slightly confused but ultimately successful phone call later we had Mr. Sato on a leash and were heading out the door.

With space at a premium and many landlords operating strict “no pets” policies in their property, it’s often the case that Tokyo’s pet owners either own their home or are able to spend a little more on a place that permits animals. The pets, too, don’t come cheap, so it’s only natural that their owners spend exorbitant amounts of money keeping them looking their best, taking them to grooming salons and “pet hotels” on a regular basis, some of which even come to your home to collect your pet, returning them a couple of hours later fluffy and smelling like roses.

Thankfully, a nearby salon was more than happy to take our man in and spruce him up a bit. Writer Yoshio went along with Mr. Sato to document the entire visit.

• The first hurdle

“Give him a trim and thin his hair out a little,” Yoshio told the staff, ruffling Sato’s thick ginger locks. The staff — friends of RocketNews24 who weren’t especially surprised when we approached them with the strange request — assured us that it would be no problem. No sooner had they said so, however, than we ran into a minor issue. The plastic capes that the pet salon usually slips onto animals while trimming their head and neck hair were all far too small for our human reporter. After a great deal of searching and head scratching, there was nothing for it but to cut a hole in trash bag and slip it over his head.

Thankfully, Mr. Sato didn’t seem to mind, and he looked good, too.

• Bathing

Kitted up, we were ready to wash our best boy’s barnet. Since he was too big to fit in the dog bath, we stood him to one side and shoved his head in. Reporter Yoshio later remarked on how good the shampoo had smelt, and how it was “very close to regular, human shampoo.” The only difference being that, as Mr. Sato will no doubt have noticed with his nose in it, the dog bath did have more than a faint whiff of pooch to it…

• Blow-drying!

With his locks thoroughly shampooed and rinsed clean, it was time to dry him off. The industrial-sized dryer the salon uses quite took our duo’s breath away; thanks to the dryer’s large, open mouth the entire process was over in the blink of an eye. Surely we could get a couple of these on the market for human use somewhere along the line? Mr. Sato seemed to really enjoy this part of the treatment, but then as we all know, having a girl tousle your hair always feels wonderful.

• Same tools, different technique
  

One thing we did notice about the dog grooming process is that, although the groomers utilize many of the same tools, they’re often used quite differently. Unlike at a regular — human — hair salon where the stylist cuts along the edge of a comb, dog groomers go straight in with their scissors, only combing to straighten up the pup’s fur and comb it back into place.

•  The final touches

Following our instructions to the letter, the attentive dog groomer finished thinning out Mr. Sato’s mane before reaching for the clippers and tidying up his shorter hairs. With that, we once again slipped the plastic bag over Mr. Sato’s head and himself off; job done! And, would you believe it, our man actually looked pretty good! Of course, this being a genuine dog grooming salon, we felt it only fair to give Mr. Sato the same treatment that every regular pooch would receive. Our kind groomer led him over to a spotlessly clean cage and gave him a gentle shove from behind. And there he waited until Yoshio decided he was ready to take him home.

Mission successful and lesson learned: dog grooming salons really are a viable alternative to expensive barber shops and hair salons! We’ll leave you now with our full photo album, detailing the events of the day. It really was a fun afternoon, and Mr. Sato didn’t growl or bite even once.

Photos: RocketNews24

▼Inside the salon. That’s a lot of equipment!

▼”Perhaps this trash bag will do?”

▼ “Yeah, that’ll probably work…”

▼ Yup…

▼Wash ‘n’ dry time

▼ Thin his coat out a little, would you?

▼ Looking good, sir!

▼ Now get in the cage.

▼ We were even able to add Mr. Sato to the wall of fame!

▼ Mission success!

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• The Transformation of the Lonely Mr. Sato: Can a New Haircut Change a Loser’s Luck in Love?
• Mr. Sato Goes Glam, Like Some Cat from Japan
• Tokyo Snow Cones! Mr. Sato Makes the Most of the City Snow Before it Melts
• Five Reasons Why We Love Mr. Sato
• The Taste of Lies: Can the Taste of a Man’s Face Betray His Wickedness?

Origin: We Take Mr. Sato for a Shampoo and Trim at the Pet Salon 【Thrifty Style】
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Mr. Sato, you are quite literally the man! As our most trusted source of all things bizarre in Japan, you never disappoint. From the time you went in for a trim at a pet salon (on all fours mind you) to the time you tried to train your eyelids, the laughs (almost always at your expense) kept coming.

The following is a list of five reasons why we love our crazy reporter, Mr. Sato. We’re sure you won’t be disappointed.

1.   He’s always up for a challenge.

2.   He’ll try anything once.

3.   He’s got style.

4.   He’s dead sexy.

5.   Uh…

For those who can’t get enough, here’s a little more information on our beloved reporter:

Full name: Hidenori Sato

Stage name: Delicate Zone Sato, Food Queen Sato

Date of birth: Secret

Place of birth: Shimane prefecture

Height: 170cm (5’7”)

Cup size: F-cup

Special skill: Nintendo 3DS

Hobbies: Drawing, writing poems

Collection: Cat claws

~ In Mr. Sato We Trust ~

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• The Onion Tower is Here! Mr. Sato Takes on 100 Slices of Grilled Onion in one Monster Burger
• We Take Mr. Sato for a Shampoo and Trim at the Pet Salon 【Thrifty Style】
• Mr. Sato Goes Glam, Like Some Cat from Japan
• Unusual Cuisine: Deep-Fried Caterpillars “Make a Wonderful Beer Snack”

Origin: Five Reasons Why We Love Mr. Sato
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Amid all the hype surrounding the live action adaptation of Ultimate!! Hentai Kamen, the former Shonen Jump series has been on everyone’s minds recently – perhaps no one more than our own Mr. Sato.

One day while sitting at his desk he slammed his fist down and shouted “That does it! I’ve waited too long and am going to make myself Hentai Kamen once and for all!”

In the series, the main character, Kyosuke, must wear some panties on his head in order to boost his power. In an effort to do the same, Mr. Sato asked a pretty female coworker whether he could borrow a pair. After regaining consciousness, he rushed to the nearest lingerie store to consult a professional.

***NOTE: The following story is not safe for work… not really safe for home either. It’s just not safe. You’ve been warned.***

■ “Panties to make me a superhero, please!”

As fast as he could, Mr. Sato hurried to Peach John, a trendy underwear retailer in Japan. With a determined gait, he bee-lined to the counter and asked the girl, “Panties that make me into a superhero, please! You know Hentai Kamen (pervert mask), right?”

“Eh, not really…” she sheepishly replied.

Mr. Sato pulled out an old copy of the manga he kept tucked in his pants and showed her a picture from it.

“Oh, plain white. Sure, right this way sir,” she said.  As they walked to the racks the clerk had a calm demeanor that Mr. Sato wasn’t used to people having in his presence.

“Truly, this is a panty professional,” he thought to himself.

The clerk had laid out five pairs for him to choose from. There were some with various accoutrements like lace and frills. They seemed to be calling out to Mr. Sato.

“Next time” he thought, and picked out the ones that resembled the ones in his manga the most; simple white.

■ Metamorphosis!

Returning to the editorial department of RocketNews24, Mr. Sato took the panties from the bag and proceeded to put them over his face.

Slowly, his face seemed to change as he growled “the clothhhh Awwwwwuuuu!” much like Kyosuke when the essence of the panties merges with his being.

However, in the comic this is usually followed by an explosive and dramatic transformation into Hentai Kamen.  For Mr. Sato it was just him slowly disrobing so as not to disturb his sciatica.

■ The Difference Between Hentai Kamen and Hentai Sato

Having fully stripped down to his mankini, he noticed that something wasn’t quite right. Well, actually nothing was quite right about any of this, but his transformation didn’t seem complete.

When Hentai Sato uttered Hentai Kamen’s catchphrase “That’s my Oinari!”, he seemed more like a middle-aged man in an old mankini inappropriately offering sushi than a super powered crime fighter.

That’s when it hit him; there were no fishnet stockings!

With the uniform complete, Hentai Sato made the final leap to Hentai Kamen. He could feel the power coursing through him. Everyone else began to feel the power too and complained of nausea, headaches and stinging eyes.

This raw power of justice and friendship was mighty indeed. So, if you’re thinking of getting into a life of crime, think again or you may have to face this.

Starring: Mr. Sato
Original Article by Megumi Sawai
This has been a Kuzo Production ©MMXIII

▼ Mr. Sato, mild-mannered reporter by day.

▼ But when he puts on the panties he just bought.

▼ He has the power to make people violently ill.

▼ “That’s my Oinari!”

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• Panty-Faced Superhero Gets Tough on Obnoxious Moviegoers in Hilarious Pre-Movie Ad 【Video】
• Mr. Sato Goes Glam, Like Some Cat from Japan
• Why Do People Wear Underwear on the Heads?
• The Taste of Lies: Can the Taste of a Man’s Face Betray His Wickedness?
• This is What a Whopper With 1000 Slices of Cheese Looks Like

Origin: Mr. Sato Puts Panties on His Head to Become Superhuman
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Over the years, Thailand has gone by many names. Until 1939 it was Siam, and the country’s friendly citizens have earned it the nickname “The Land of Smiles.”

For a few days each year though, Thailand is also “The Land of the City-Wide Splash Fights.”

Few festivals can top Songkran, also known as the Water Festival, for pure fun. Held every year from April 13-15, it marks the traditional Thai New Year. It’s customary for temples to wash their statues of the Buddha at this time, and belief held that catching the water that runs off, then pouring it gently onto a friend or family member’s shoulder would convey a blessing.

It just so happens that Songkran also coincides with the hottest time in an already hot country. The Thai people put two and two together and figured pouring water on each other was a great way to cool off during this period. They took this one step further and decided that any water would do, and instead of just friends and family, to shower water on virtually everyone they see.

Our reporters were on hand for this year’s festival, held from April 13 to 15. We knew they were going to get thoroughly soaked, but would they live to tell their tale, or would they be washed away, never to be heard from again?

In recent years, Songkram festivities have taken a serious turn for the intense. Our field reporters, including the legendary Mr. Sato, also took part in the Water Festival 10 years ago, and at that time the preferred method was to cup some water in your hand and loft it at your target. Squirt guns were strictly for kids, and people using buckets were a rare sight.

But now it’s not so much that people are using squirt guns as they are squirt bazookas. Having a bucket seems to be the bare minimum, and no one will look twice if you decide to grab a hose and blast away. We even spotted a truck jury-rigged into a fire engine getting in on the action, along with people raining cascades of water down from their rooftops! These days, the Songkran festivities also attract droves of overseas visitors, adding even more chaotic energy to the fun.

You’re free to splash just about anyone you feel like, and no one gets bent out of shape. That said, there are some commonly understood ground rules to this running water battle. No matter how tranquil and good-natured they may be, the Thai monks are strictly off-limits as targets. The same generally goes for police officers, although this guideline seems to be becoming more relaxed, as we spotted a few of Thailand’s finest with drenched uniforms.

Our first stop was Bangkok’s Khaosan Road. We expected the well-known backpacking mecca to be lively, and it did not disappoint us. Waiting for us there was not the reserved Water Festival we saw a decade ago, but a sopping mass of humanity! It was apparently too much trouble for one of our fellow revelers to splash us one at a time, as he whipped out a hose to spray en masse. It seemed a little like cheating, but we had to respect the guy’s ingenuity.

Next, we wondered what Songkran was like in the high-rent district. We sauntered off to the city center, near the Bangkok branch of upmarket Japanese department store Isetan, where various businesses were holding their own special events. These were no button-down corporate affairs, though, especially the ones with giant foam machines! The sudsy solution left no residue when it dried, so even people in their most stylish threads had no qualms getting covered in bubbles.

Even if you’re not actively participating in the festivities, during Songkran, you’ll get doused with water just minding your own business trying to go from point A to point B. Wearing a designer dress? Just catching a lift on the back of a motorcycle taxi or inside one of Thailand’s famous three-wheeled tuk-tuks? It doesn’t matter, because Songkran partiers give no quarter! You’ve got zero chance of making it to your destination in a dry state. You’re not even safe inside a bus. As long the windows are cracked, someone else on the road will find a way to power a deluge at you.

Squirt guns seem to be especially popular with the Europeans and Americans at the Water Festival. Not to be outdone, Bangkok’s gay community got really into things with water-spraying bazookas and buckets. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the sidewalk or in the middle of the street; you’re going to get soaked. Really though, that’s what Songkran is all about.

If you’ll forgive us for being wet blankets for just a moment, we have heard stories of people getting infections or irritations by being hit with dirty water in the eyes, mouth, or open wounds. That said, our reporters came back with no side effects other than enormous grins. Songkran is a once-a-year opportunity to let your hair down, then let that hair get sopping wet, and it’s something we think everyone should experience at least once.

Photos: RocketNews24

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• 【Creepy News】 Creative Japanese Turn Water Cooler into Urine Dispenser…
• Eight Ways You Really, Really Shouldn’t Use a Japanese Toilet

Origin: We Get Wet and Wild at Thailand’s Water Festival
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Despite many a man’s preference for small to average size bust lines, society as whole seems to put a lot of emphasis on large breasts. For this reason, women head to the plastic surgeon in droves for augmentation surgery.

However, wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way for those women to get the self-confidence they need without all those expensive and invasive procedures?

RocketNews24 assembled a team to find a way to enlarge breast using affordable everyday items. Naturally our guinea pig was the staff member with the nicest rack, Mr. Sato.

During our many brainstorming sessions it was determined that breasts are soft and highly malleable, so wouldn’t it stand to reason that with enough force they could be stretched into a more desirable shape for the owner?

A plunger was the obvious choice to provide the force. The editorial department had been well stocked with plungers since the aftermath of Mr. Sato’s 1050 piece bacon cheeseburger challenge.

■ Plungers are Freaking Strong!

Taking two plungers they had lying around the team applied one to each of Mr. Sato’s already ample moobs. Surprisingly they stuck firmly enough that they could support their own weight. These definitely had the goods to boost his bust.

As they continuously plunged at his teats there was a growing optimism that this would work out as they expected.

Then, it was time to remove them.

Everyone took turns trying to pry off the plungers with all their might but they were firmly locked onto Mr. Sato’s fun bags. What was worse; with every attempt he would wail a high-pitched “Owwwwww” that sounded like a cat in heat.

Still, in-between screams he would say with an exhausted smile “This’ll definitely make me bigger!”

■ Results

With no one able to remove the plunger, Mr. Sato was getting worried that he may never caress the twins again. Summoning all his might like a mother might to save her child, he gave a mighty tug on the plumbing devices freeing them from his chest.

Panting, he said, “They seem bigger to me.” Everyone gathered around. Yes, they did seem a little bigger. Unfortunately they were also bright red and had white circles around them.

In the end, we learned that it is possible to enlarge your breast with plungers, but it hurts, makes them hot pink, and the effects will probably go away after just a few minutes.

By the way, did you know that in Japan a plunger is formally called a “rubber cup” but is more popularly referred to by an onomatopoeic name based on the sound it makes,  the most popular being “zuppon”? See, reading this didn’t make you stupider!

Model: Mr. Sato
Original Article written by Megumi Sawai
Producer: Nakano

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Origin: Can You Enlarge Your Breasts With Plungers? We Investigate
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

The RocketNews24 DIY Breast Augmentation Team had received a lot of feedback from readers regarding their use of plungers to enlarge one’s bust line. Among the taunting and complaints from disturbed readers came a suggestion from a Thai transsexual.

“You know, it’s easy to make cleavage even without surgery,” she said before detailing how it’s done. So it was time to dust off Mr. Sato’s luscious melons once again and make some magic.

Items Needed

■ Two Sets of Silicone Bras
■ One Normal Bra

A silicone bra is divided into two parts which cling to each breast on the left and right.  They then pull together in the middle to create cleavage.  Conveniently they fasten together in the middle of the cleavage.

As Mr. Sato applied his silicone bra the results were instant. Already he had a nicely shaped pair of boobs, but it wasn’t enough. They needed a little more umph.

As Mr. Sato grunted himself into the second pair of silicone pads his breasts were getting even more finely crafted like a Greek statue. The illusion was complete when a real bra was placed over top.

With his new rack constructed, it was time to complete the look!

So there you have it! While we were fumbling around with plumbing equipment all it took was a Thai transsexual’s tip to take Mr. Sato’s tahtahs to new dimensions. Thanks!

Looking at it from the beginning may not be so impressive, so please take a cropped image of Mr. Sato’s boobs and show them to a heterosexual male in your life to see if they make the grade… and/or give that person a complex.

Original Article by Megumi Sawai
Model: Mr. Sato (aka Inomura Sutetsu)

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• New Reports Show Going Without a Bra Actually Good for Women, Men Everywhere Rejoice
• Fashion Disaster: Chinese Model Shows How Not to Wear a Silicone Bra
• Bust-Reducing Bras See Strong Sales In Japan, Women May Prefer Slim Figure Over Big Breasts
• 100 Years of Breasts: From the “Ironing-Board Age” to the “Boobie-Revival” of the 1930s

Origin: Can You Enlarge Your Breasts with… Damn…
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

With Golden Week over, it means summer and hot, humid days are just around the corner. Knowing you’ll need a cooling and refreshing oasis to escape to in the months ahead, Mr. Sato headed over to the Mori Trust Garden in Toranomom District, Tokyo to scope out the offerings at Kirin’s Ichiban Garden.

Opened on April 24, Kirin’s Ichiban Garden provides seating for 150 indoors and another 250 on its open air terrace. With its signature Ichiban Shibori on tap (both lager and stout), frozen draft beer and two-tone beer cocktails, there’s sure to be something that’ll satisfy any beer-guzzler in need of quick relief as city temperatures continue to rise.

Here’s what Mr. Sato had to say:

If you are an aficionado of the amber liquid, sit back and envision this. Under a hot noonday sun, a frosted glass being filled to the rim with ice-cold beer. Surrounded by greenery and with a gentle breeze blowing, you gaze lovingly at the frothy top as a smile of happiness slowly spreads across your face. You raise the glass to your lips for that first thirst-quenching gulp and heavenly relief! An exceptional place is needed to experience such a special feeling and I’m pleased to tell you that a great new beer garden with the perfect environment for enjoying a glass of frosty ale has just opened in Toranomon in the center of Tokyo.

Openness in the heart of the city
The beer garden is located in the Mori Trust Garden, a short walk away from Kamiyacho Station on the Hibiya Line. Though you’re surrounded by skyscrapers, the garden has an open air atmosphere and an expansive lawn, perfect for lazing around on a hot sunny day.

A great food menu worthy of a brewer
The unique food menu offers a rich variety of dishes which cannot be eaten elsewhere including edamame beans boiled in stout, white fish lightly fried in Ichiban Shibori batter, and a stout-based pork stew.

▼ White fish lightly fried in Ichiban Shibori batter

▼ Black pepper corned beef and rice flour baguette

▼ Happy Mr. Sato and his meat (domestically produced sirloin steak cooked on a lava rock grill)

Frozen draft beer is delicious!
The feature drink is frozen draft beer. The ice-like foam floating on top keeps the beer chilled; there is something especially delicious about really cold beer. Drinking it on a hot day is sure to provide relief from the heat! Frozen draft is truly special.

▼  The stout is great!

▼  And so is the lager!

Two-tone beer cocktails
Using Kirin’s proprietary “two-tone maker” provides another way to enjoy the great taste of beer. The two-tone maker is a spout used for pouring beer into a glass containing liqueur that allows you to create layered beer cocktails of two different colors. Twelve different liqueur flavors are available and one is sure to match your mood on any given day.

At any rate, this is a fantastic place for drinking beer. Ichiban Garden is probably enjoyed best on a warm, cloudless day that allows you to slowly savor the great taste of your beverage of choice while stretched out on the park’s lush green lawn.

Photos: RocketNews24

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• We Try Beer Made with Coffee from an Elephant’s Butt!
• Take Me Out to the Japanese Ball Game 【You, Me, And A Tanuki】

Origin: Frozen Beer and Beer Cocktails – Mr. Sato Checks Out Kirin Ichiban Garden
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

With the few days of comfortable weather known as spring in Japan slipping away it’s time to brace ourselves for the muggy scorching heat of summer. This of course means it’s Hyper-Gentleman’s Cool Biz time again!

While 2012 was the year of the electric-lime mankini, this year’s fashions are going retro with a boldly traditional Japanese loincloth, the fundoshi, balanced by an elegant yet sporty parasol.

So join us, as we examine this year’s choice in summer formal attire along with our model, the devilishly handsome Mr. Sato.

For those new to the concept, Japan started the “Cool Biz” environmental campaign in 2005 urging companies to lower their air conditioning usage by allowing male workers to forgo their ties and jackets.

This begat the “Super Cool Biz” campaign where companies would turn off the air conditioning all together opting instead to have their workers wear tasteful yet causal short sleeved clothing following the energy shortage caused by the 2011 Tohoku Earthquake.

Then in 2012, RocketNews24 in an effort to save as much money as possible (something to do with the environment too, we think) had developed a line of professional attire that allows for maximum cooling while maintaining the dignified air that a businessman should always have.

Although the mankinis were a huge success, they got pretty grimy pretty quick. So we went in search of the perfect ensemble combining sophistication with heat resistance in perfect symmetry.

The fundoshi is the traditional underwear used by warriors in Japan.  It’s a single piece of cloth which wraps around the undercarriage and often ties up on the sides.  We feel that this is the perfect choice for the environmentally concerned business man in 2013.

There is no better way to ensure a productive morning of work that to have your employees gird up their loins. It triggers a deeply-rooted warrior spirit in males when preparing for battle either on the shores of Kawanakajima or in the boardroom.

As an added bonus, the fundoshi is completely adjustable in tightness and how it fits one’s form. This provides a level of breathability unparalleled by store-bought underwear which can bunch up or squeeze the lower regions in unnatural ways.

A fundoshi alone has many benefits in terms of work productivity and overall coolness, but many come off as too intensely manly for those around. So, to put the “Gentleman” back in “Hyper-Gentleman Cool Biz” we have chosen a classy parasol to soften the impact of the loincloth.

While maintaining the raw power of the fundoshi at the core, coworkers and clients are immediately disarmed by the sparkly handle and purple polka-dot trim of your sun shield.

Yes, this is certainly shaping up to be a stylish year for Hyper Cool Biz Gentlemen everywhere.  But there’s one more thing to elevate energy conservation to unheard of levels.

What better way to save on electricity costs than moving your entire operation to the beach? Everyone loves going to the beach with the comfort of the ocean breeze and great working light all provided free by nature.

This aspect of Hyper Cool Biz is still in its trial stages though. We sent out Mr. Sato alone to do all his work at the beach this summer observing how efficiently he performs. So far he says he seems to be enjoying it. The bathroom’s always right next to him and he’s already generated a 172 yen (US$1.68) profit for the company with his metal detector.

Keep up the good work, Hyper Cool Biz Gentleman!

Model: Stardust Sato
Photos: RocketNews24
Funodshi Drawing: Wikipedia – Hayakawa Kyuukei
Parasol Image: Amazon
Beach Image: Wikipedia – David Adam Kess

A Hyper Cool Biz Gentleman Meeting

▼ “Good Morning. Thank you for coming. Please, pull up a piece of sand.”

▼ “I’ve gone through the numbers on the Davidson account several times and I keep getting the same thing.”

▼ “In this economic climate it’s simply irresponsible for the company to continue running at its current output.”

▼ “I suggest they look into outsourcing the bulk of their human resources and mothball at least two… no, three of their plants.”

▼ “In the meantime I’ll be looking for ways to divest them from their subsidiaries and curtail this financial hemorrhaging. Report back when you know more. I’ll be over by the sand castles.”

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• RocketNews Begins “Hyper-Gentleman’s Cool Biz” Campaign, Results in 1 Arrest
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Origin: Hyper Cool Biz 2013 Line Announced: Fundoshi and Parasols Hot This Year for the Trendy Businessman
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

Summer is almost here, and in Japan that means two things. First, high humidity and the profuse sweating that comes with it. But second, summer is also the season of hot, passionate, romance.

Unfortunately, this spring has again found our intrepid reporter Mr. Sato unable to find a girlfriend, but he’s ready to wipe the slate clean and give it his all this summer. We decided it was best to get Mr. Sato a little practice, so he’d have a good running start before the season of love gets fully underway. To that end, he asked out idol singer Sayaka Shiotani from vocal unit Pureful. Like all women, she is powerless to resist the charms of a RocketNews24 writer, and so of course said yes.

“Honestly though, I don’t have much experience with girls, and I’m not even really sure how to talk to them,” he tells us. Well, as a wise man once said, when you’re trying to pick up girls, use humor. And if you’re not funny, use alcohol.

For their date, Mr. Sato decided to head to the beach in Chiba, the prefecture west of Tokyo. “I picked the beach because it was the only place my inexperienced mind could think of for a fun summer date,” our reporter explained. “It wasn’t like I had any ulterior motive that this would let me see her in a bikini,” he rather specifically denied.

▼”Check me out, I’m at the beach with an idol!”

“I figured that if you splash around in the water with a girl and get her all giggly, then have a drink together with a little alcohol in it, you’ve got it made, right?” he continued, completely wiping away the “hidden” status of his hidden agenda. Unfortunately, the weather’s been unusually cool this spring, and when our would-be lovebirds hit the beach in May, the ocean was still way too cold for any extended frolicking. As they exited the water after just a few minutes, “Ms. Shiotani gave me a look that told me she was, at least, half-pissed,” Mr. Sato reported.

▼So…cold…

▼”I don’t get it, my David Bowie make-up was a big hit with heavy metal idol Kanon Mori.”

▼”The water’s cold, this guy’s make-up is creepy. This is the worst date ever!”

▼Adding injury to insult, the seashells stabbed Mr. Sato’s bare feet as they fled the ocean

Trying to salvage the date, he next took Ms. Shiotani to a nearby park. After finding a bench to relax on, and with no other options left, Mr. Sato had no choice but to pull out his secret weapon, by which of course we mean two cans of Cariboon, the new canned cocktail from Kirin Beverage Company.

▼Plan B: Wash off the make-up and have a drink in the park

Cariboon is a mixture of rum, tropical fruit juicer, and rum. With only a 4 percent alcohol content, Mr. Sato figured it’d be enough to give him a buzz, but not so strong as to render him incoherent.

The two cracked open their cans, and took a sip. “It was like party in my mouth and the pirates of the Caribbean were invited!” our reporter tells us. The power of rum gave Mr. Sato the gift of gab, and he “became as witty and charming as Jack Sparrow.” Ms. Shiotani’s smile even came back. Was our reporter back in the game?

▼”Oh wow, that’s good stuff!”

▼”Maybe I should have just done this from the beginning?”

After the pair finished their drinks and said their goodbyes, we asked Ms. Shiotani how she’d enjoyed the date. “The Cariboon was really good! The pineapple juice in it has just the right balance of tartness and sweetness.”

But did she enjoy the Cariboon enough that she’d have another with Mr. Sato, should he ask her out again?

“His face was really creepy,” Ms. Shiotani told us flat out. “Next time I’d really just like to drink it with my friends.”

Sorry, Mr. Sato. But don’t worry, you’ve got the whole summer ahead of you, and there are still plenty of fish in the sea. In the meantime, you’ll always have the suspiciously low-angled photo you took of Ms. Shiotani to remember her by.

Related: Cariboon Official Website, Sayaka Shiotani Official Website
Photos: RocketNews24

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Origin: Mr. Sato goes on a date with an idol, unleashes his secret weapon: canned rum
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

The annual Air Guitar World Championships held in Oulu, Northern Finland celebrates the beloved guitar without actually using them. Instead, participants channel all the energy, attitude, and athleticism of playing rock guitar into their invisible air guitar while performing on stage.

With the 18^th championships being held in August this year, RocketNews24 has assembled our finest imaginary guitarists, Stardust Sato and Fantastic Hatori, to represent us. However, the two must first face the qualifying round. Find out if they made the cut after the break.

■ Song selection

After deciding to join just one week before the contest, Sato and Hatori immediately had trouble choosing their song.

Despite having been adorned with the moniker “Stardust”, our famous reporter opted against breaking out his best Bowie. Although Bowie’s songs have solid riffs and flowing chord work they didn’t really work for air guitar; at least not at beginner level, anyway. After scrolling through his favorite iPod songlist several times, Stardust Sato decided on Stone Cold Crazy by Metallica for its dramatic power chord punches.

Fantastic Hatori, meanwhile, selected the theme music wrestlers Terry Funk and Dory Funk Jr. used when they performed in Japan: Spinning Toe-Hold by Creation. As it had proven time and time again, this song’s got the goods to get the crowd worked up.

■ Training

If they were going to make it to Finland, Hatori and Sato would have to train hard. To do that they would need the best facility possible with the finest equipment. So they rented out an expensive studio in the area. In the sound-proof studio surrounded by countless amps and drum kits they plugged in their iPod headphones and got to work.

The RocketNews team had a distinct advantage in that they could coach and give constructive criticism on each other’s performance thus ensuring the best possible routine and furthermore guaranteeing victory.

■ A record turn-out

On Saturday, 1 June, Stardust Sato and Fantastic Hatori headed down to the Air Guitar 2013 First Qualifying Round. A shaken Hatori gasped “so… so many,” at the 35 total people attempting to qualify – an all-time record high. They had to draw for spots to determine the order. Hatori would perform 33^rd while Sato got the 15^th slot.

■ Judging

A panel of five judges determine who moves on to the Championship. They are Japanese Air Guitar Association (JAGA) President, Kanagawa IQ; JAGA Secretary, Miyagi Mario; Master of Subculture, Amano Ukelele; Artist, Nash Alex; and popular cartoonist, Pyokotan.

Each judge rates the performances on a scale of zero to six. The highest and lowest scores will be removed, and the remaining scores will be totaled to give the final score. This way a maximum score would be 18.

■ “Game over”

A rather large crowd had gathered by the time the first air guitarists hit the stage. One by one, a range of guitar mimicry virtuosos wowed the crowd with their majestic strumming and dancing. Hatori and Sato just sat there and watched, awe-struck.

“Game over, man,” uttered Stardust Sato, to which Hatori vacantly replied, “I think they got it…”

Waiting for their turns the two simply sat there wishing they had begun practicing at an early age rather than those stupid guitar lessons their parents made them take.

■ Stardust Sato

Sato downed the rest of his drink and mumbled “well, it’s time” through his lump filled throat. As he stood there on the stage alone, Fantastic Hatori sat watching with clenched fists. He thought, “if he just does it like in practice, he’s got a shot! Go get’em Stardust!”

In the end Stardust Sato ranked 23^th of the 35 contestants, failing to qualify with the following scores.

■ Fantastic Hatori

Stardust Sato casually returned to the table and ordered another drink. Taking a sip he let out a loud sigh of refreshment and relief while wearing a satisfied grin. Meanwhile, Hatori sat rigid, covered in sweat. He still had to sit through 15 or so more acts until his turn.

Steadily the tension built and built. Hatori looked over to get some comfort from Sato, but he was gone, hitting on one of the female performers. When Fantastic Hatori’s name was finally called, he headed to the stage, all of his muscles tied in knots.

With that performance, Fantastic Hatori earned a commendable 13^th place among the 35 competitors, but unfortunately still failed to qualify.

Looking back, however, Hatori felt that he did alright. In spite of the scores he could recall someone yell out from the crowd, “That’s freakin’ awesome!” It wasn’t Sato either; during the performance Stardust was crying in the bathroom after being pepper sprayed by the contestant he was trying to pick up.

■ Another Chance?

The Air Guitar 2013 Second Qualifying Round is scheduled to be held on 20 July. This will be one more chance to earn a spot at the Championships in Finland and the free accommodation and airfare that come with it.

Depending if it’s enough time for them to lick their wounds, Stardust Sato and Fantastic Hatori may get another shot at the glory – the glory of air guitar.

Japanese Air Guitar Association: Website (Japanese)
Air Guitar World Championships: Website (English)
Photos and Video: RocketNews 24

▼ Startdust Sato’s performance

▼ From another angle

▼ Fantastic Hatori’s performance

▼ Second angle

▼ On the day of the qualifier

▼ Team RocketNews is focused

▼ Choosing the order

▼ The Judges

▼ The other contestants were well prepared

▼ Team Rocket begins to worry, cigs are lit.

▼ “We’re screwed, man.”

▼ Alice Juban member Asami Usagi also came out to play.

▼ Time for Stardust Sato!

▼ “Whhaaaa…!”

▼ “Dan-naan!”

▼ Stardust Sato (23rd place)

▼ Ganta-G-Crusher (1st place)

▼ “Crap, crap, crap, crap…”

▼ Bei Toru (4th place)

▼ “Gimme another one!”

▼ Ko Nezumi Nya Suke (6th place)

▼ And now for Fantastic Hatori!

▼ Fantastic Hatori (13th place)

▼ In the end, everyone gets together for a big air rock-out.

▼ “Cheers, Stardust. We did it.” “Yes we did, sir, yes we did.”

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Origin: We send a team to take part in the qualifying round of the Air Guitar World Championships 2013
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

It is believed that AKB48’s Tomomi Itano will be leaving the massive pop unit to pursue her solo career sometime around August this year. Itano has also released her fourth single as a solo artist, entitled “1%”, on 12 June.

To help promote the song, the Tomomi Itano 1% Dance Trial 2013 is underway in which anyone can upload a video of themselves dancing to 1% on YouTube for a chance to perform alongside the idol in her next video.

The event has already drawn the likes of professional dancers, internet personalities, and of course Mr. Sato.

■ I can perform with Tomo-chin!

Upon hearing about the dance contest Mr. Sato jumped at the idea of getting close to his beloved Tomo-chin. However, used to being discriminated against, our reporter checked out the rules of entry to see why he couldn’t take part.

Entry was surprisingly easy. All he had to do was study the sample video available on YouTube to learn the basic moves. He didn’t have to mimic the moves exactly and he was free to add his own choreography.

When he finished his own video Mr. Sato would just have to post it as a video response to the sample video. Also by filling out the entry form they would know how to contact him after his guaranteed success. The only thing Mr. Sato had to do was learn to dance.

■ This dance is freaking hard!

As Mr. Sato attempted to undulate his belly he could feel his vertebrae grinding against one another. “Ahk, dancing sucks,” he thought. Then he got an idea to check out some of the other entries to get ideas.

Around 150 people had entered videos for the chance to dance with Itano. Some Japanese YouTube heavyweights like megwin and Koji Seto (below) came out dancing up a storm.

Even professional choreographers submitted videos, like this one including Kenzo from the group Da Pump.

“Ah come on!” moaned Mr. Sato. How could he compete with pros? He realized that attempting to dance like them would end in failure. He’d have to find a different style.

■ Yuru-kyara

Scrolling through the entries Mr. Sato noticed a rather large number of costumed mascots known as yuru-kyara have participated.  There was Yoichi from Otawara City, Shima Nekko out of Shimane Prefecture, and the pirate cat Kuron representing the Hakodate Kurofune festival.

Mr. Sato’s head picked up slightly and with wry smile he thought, “This is it.” If he could fuse the yuru-kyara technique into his own dance, he would have something completely original for the contest.

It was time to begin recording…

After uploading the video and finishing his application form, Mr. Sato sat back in his now incredibly worn Dragon Quest slime costume and sipped on a glass of elephant poo coffee beer. He dreamt of winning the contest and finally being able to use one of his patented pick-up lines on Tomo-chin.

Will Mr. Sato move onto the next round and become one step closer to Tomomi Itano? Tune in around the middle of next month when the results are announced…

Original Article by Hobo-Tsuda (aka Slime Sato)
Source: Tomomi Itano 1% Dance Trial 2013

▼ Tomomi Itano lays out the challenge to all of Japan.

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• Japan Sets Guinness Record for Synchronized Mascot Dancing 【Video】
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Origin: Dance contest underway to co-star in AKB48 member’s video, Mr. Sato throws hat into ring
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.

A few days ago, we designed and field tested a shoulder-mounted, hands-free burger holding device that allowed our gluttonous Mr. Sato to eat one of his beloved burgers without missing a Tweet. Then he wondered if his free hands might allow him to indulge his other passion… Get your mind out of the gutter! We mean noodles!

Read on for the results of our experiment and instructions on how to try it yourself.

So if you are going to attempt this feat of feasting, the first thing you have to think about is, obviously, the burger. I mean that’s the whole point of having a hands-free burger holder, amirite?! So, get your hamburger loaded and the holder adjusted for maximum nomming.

The next important point is how you slurp up your noodles. Because of the position of the holder, it’s difficult to move your chopsticks smoothly into your mouth. Therefore, it is necessary to get the noodles as close to your mouth as possible and then slurp like you’ve never slurped before to inhale those slippery little devils.

Now, if you’ve followed those two steps, you should be experiencing what our subject called “the sumptuous pleasure when noodles and hamburger meet in your mouth.”

There is one remaining point of caution, however (other than the obvious one of chocking on a piece of hamburger when trying to inhale your noodles). It is unfortunately difficult to drink the noodle broth while wearing the hands-free burger holder. The possibility of lap burns is high, so exercise caution.

In conclusion, our device without a doubt expands the possibilities for meal times. With your hands freed from the necessity of holding your burger, what other taste combinations might now be achievable? This invention is clearly going to be a money maker.

Scroll down for step-by-step instructions with photos!

▼ Our prize invention

▼ a sumptuous flavor combination

▼ Be sure to properly position your hamburger so that it protrudes enough to easily bite.

▼ Be careful that it doesn’t protrude too far, or it might fall.

▼ This image gives you a sense of the distance between cup and mouth. It is necessary to extend your neck quite a bit to reach it.

▼ Doesn’t he kind of look like Turvage from the Cobra comics?

▼ The moment of truth…

▼ It’s almost like the burger is leaping into your open mouth.

▼ And now for the noodles…

▼ Notice the fine neck-extension technique

▼ Keep your eyes on the noodles as you slurp.

▼ Get right back to your burger!

▼ You may need to press down on the device a bit to get the broth to your mouth.

Photos: RocketNews24

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Origin: Hands-free burger holder frees hands to put even more food in your mouth
Copyright© RocketNews24 / Socio Corporation. All rights reserved.